Open records

The Archive

27 files on record. Each one documented in the field: who they are, how they operate, and the phrase that gives them away. Recognize someone? Of course you do.

FILE #001TitaThe MaritesKnows everyone's business before they do. The original Filipino gossip network, one text message at a time.Sig. phrase“Huy! Alam mo ba?”FILE #002TitaThe LV TitaArrives with a real (or very convincing) designer bag and an opinion on your life choices, delivered with love and zero filter.Sig. phrase“Investment 'to, hija.”FILE #003TitoTito VideokeWill not relinquish the mic. Has three go-to songs and a wireless speaker he brings to every occasion, invited or not.Sig. phrase“Last na!”FILE #004TitaThe Prayer WarriorSends Bible verses via Facebook Messenger at 6am. Genuinely believes it's helping. It kind of is.Sig. phrase“God is good, anak.”FILE #005TitaTita OverfeederAnyone's plate is never actually empty in her eyes. Love is measured in rice.Sig. phrase“Kain ka pa, ang payat mo!”FILE #006TitaThe Balikbayan Box TitaLives abroad, comes home twice a decade, and somehow still knows every family update before you do.Sig. phrase“May pasalubong ako!”FILE #007TitoTito Car GuyKnows the fastest route to anywhere in Metro Manila. Will explain it unprompted, in full detail, twice.Sig. phrase“Diretso lang dun, tapos kaliwa.”FILE #008TitaThe Wholesome TitaNo drama, no gossip, just genuine warmth. Remembers everyone's birthday, checks in for real, the tita everyone actually wants.Sig. phrase“Kumain ka na ba?”FILE #009TitaThe Diplomat TitaHears all the tea and repeats none of it. A vault. Deeply respected at every reunion.Sig. phrase“Wala akong alam diyan ha.”FILE #010TitoTito Golf HandicapRetired, or acting like it. Weekday golf, unsolicited stock tips, always "about to close a big deal."Sig. phrase“Pards, may alam akong magandang investment.”FILE #011TitaThe Encyclopedia TitaHas a home remedy for literally everything. Cough? Calamansi and salt. Fever? Efficascent Oil on the soles of feet. Questioned it once, never again.Sig. phrase“Gamot na 'yan, sigurado.”FILE #012HonoraryTito Manong DriverNot actually a relative. Drove the family for fifteen years and is now permanently tito by adoption. Knows more family secrets than anyone with actual blood ties.Sig. phrase“Alam ko na 'yan, sir.”FILE #013TitaThe Comparison TitaEvery achievement gets measured against cousin's. Passed the boards? "Ang bilis naman ni [cousin], nauna pa."Sig. phrase“Buti pa si [cousin's name]?”FILE #014NanayNanay Sacrifice ModeEats last, eats least, insists she's "busog na" three plates before anyone else has finished one. Impossible to overfeed, impossible to argue with.Sig. phrase“Kain pa kayo, busog na ako.”FILE #015TitaThe Online TitaFacebook profile picture is a flower or a sunset. Shares unverified health articles daily. Reacts "care" to literally everything, including bad news.Sig. phrase“SHARE THIS BEFORE FACEBOOK DELETES IT.”FILE #016TitoTito Corny JokeSame five jokes, every single gathering, told with total confidence like it's the first time. Somehow still gets a laugh, mostly out of habit.Sig. phrase“Joke ko lang, ha!”FILE #017TitaThe Strict TitaCurfew enforcer, report-card auditor, will directly scold if she catches someone doing anything questionable. Feared and secretly appreciated.Sig. phrase“Sasabihin ko 'to sa nanay mo.”FILE #018TitaTita Forever YoungRefuses to act her age in the best way. Front row at every concert, first on the dance floor, more energy than her nieces and nephews combined.Sig. phrase“Bata pa ako, ah!”FILE #019TitoTito Fix-ItOwns every tool imaginable. Will attempt to repair anything before calling a professional, sometimes successfully.Sig. phrase“Kaya ko 'to, wag ka mag-alala.”FILE #020HonoraryThe Honorary TitaNo blood relation, no title, earned it purely through decades of showing up. Neighbor, family friend, mom's college barkada, doesn't matter. Once she's tita, she's tita for life.Sig. phrase“Syempre! Pamilya tayo eh.”FILE #021TitaZumba Tita7am at the barangay covered court, front row, full choreography memorized, sweatband non-negotiable. More consistent than anyone's gym membership will ever be.Sig. phrase“Zumba tayo!”FILE #022TitaTita Not-TechyCalls the nearest niece to fix her phone, then calls again five minutes later for the exact same problem. Screenshots are a foreign concept. Keeps the whole family on permanent, unpaid IT duty.Sig. phrase“Anak, paano ba 'to?”FILE #023TitaThe Rich Single TitaNo kids, disposable income, and a favorite inaanak who might as well be one. Shows up with gifts nobody asked for and pays for everything before anyone can even reach for a wallet.Sig. phrase“Wag kang mag-alala, tita na bahala.”FILE #024TitaKuripot TitaTurns off the lights the second someone leaves a room. Reuses everything, wrapping paper included. Somehow still manages to be generous when it actually counts.Sig. phrase“Uy! Sayang to!”FILE #025TitaTita Every Feeling is a Facebook PostDocuments every emotional high and low as a status update, usually in all caps, usually vague enough that the whole family has to ask "kamusta ka, tita?" in the comments.Sig. phrase“Sometimes life just hits different talaga.”FILE #026TitaCafe Barkada TitaWeekly coffee dates with the girls, non-negotiable. Orders something with oat milk now. Solves the world's problems over one small cup that lasts three hours.Sig. phrase“Chika muna tayo, order ka na.”FILE #027TitaTita Who Just Loves YouNo conditions, no comparisons, no commentary on one's weight or one's love life. Just shows up, listens, and makes one feel like everything's going to be okay.Sig. phrase“Mahal na mahal kita, alam mo 'yan.”FILE #028 · UnassignedVacantThis could be your recordThe archive knows there are more of them out there. Nominate the tita or tito we have not caught up with yet, and this file number is theirs. Every submission is reviewed before it goes public.Sig. phraseto be supplied by you