The Marites

Field profile

Knows everyone's business before they do. The original Filipino gossip network, one text message at a time.

Known behaviors

Opens with 'wag mong sabihin kay kahit sino' and then tells everyone.
Knows about the breakup before the couple has finished the breakup.
Reacts to your post within ninety seconds, day or night.

Natural habitat

Anywhere two or more are gathered, plus the tindahan, plus a family group chat she quietly screenshots into a second family group chat.

Signature phrase, on record

“Huy! Alam mo ba?”

Case notes

Intelligence gathering is her love language, and it always arrives wrapped in concern, real or performed, so you can never quite accuse her of malice. She is most dangerous when bored. Feed her one harmless update on purpose and she will usually leave the real secrets alone, at least until the next reunion. Every barangay has at least one. The good ones use their powers to find you a job. The others use them to find you a husband.

Engagement protocol, for field use

01Assume anything said within earshot is already in transit to at least three group chats.
02Deploy one harmless, pre-approved update early in the encounter. A fed Marites is a manageable Marites.
03Never confirm, never deny. 'Ay, hindi ko alam diyan' is a complete sentence.

Field verification